April 23, 2014

Overpopulation: Procreatus Interruptus

Civilization To Hold Off On Having Any More Kids For A While, according to The Onion.

This just in… Effective immediately, human procreation will be indefinitely suspended!

Facing what it called “a lot of uncertainty” on all six inhabited continents, the global civilization of the species Homo sapiens released a statement Monday announcing it would be “just sort of holding off on the idea of having any more kids for the time being.” (The Onion)

Although the article concedes the many joys of parenting and of children in general, global instability demands immediate and dramatic measures. Adding a couple billion additional children to the equation would only exacerbate current strains around the world. The decision to postpone childbirths is not permanent, but until overpopulation is curbed and global stability is restored humanity will cease to procreate.

“Now is our chance to get around to some of those things we had to put on the back burner… [like] how to keep the international food-distribution system in place and functioning after the nonrenewable fossil fuels run out… [and ensuring] that enough rain forests remain to keep oxygen in the atmosphere…” Human society added that there was already barely enough time in the day to raise its children while also ensuring basic human rights for the existing population, averting a potential collapse of the international monetary system, and finally getting around to its oft-procrastinated goal of solving the massive climate-change crisis before lots and lots of people die… “It might actually be a little irresponsible to have more kids now, given the threat of a general collapse into a tribal-barbarian-type second Dark Ages. That wouldn’t be fair to us or the kids.” (The Onion)

Humanity’s decision stands in stark contrast to its family-planning policy since the dawn of civilization, indicating an historic shift toward sacrifice, sustainability and human responsibility. The species has accepted that their future, indeed the future of the entire planet, rests in their hands. Despite genetic and social coding driving unchecked population growth, human civilization will attempt to engineer a more sustainable future before overpopulation further complicates the global equation.

Since first evolving from such earlier hominids as Homo erectus and Australopithecus and emerging from the African veld more than 20 million years ago, humanity has made having children a central part of its goals for the future, even while it simultaneously juggled its long-standing career objective of becoming a mature and culturally interdependent global entity. (The Onion)

Despite possible concerns that this new policy will diminish sexual freedoms, humanity is actually likely to discover increased sexual freedoms (and pleasures) across geographic and cultural divides now that copulation is being unshackled from procreation. Likely outcomes include a healthier psychological prognosis for homo sapiens in general and happier, more rewarding (and enduring) marriages among cultures who opt for long-term, monogamous relationships.

The Why No Kids? team will monitor this initiative and keep you abreast of news as it develops. What’s your reaction to humanity’s decision to indefinitely postpone procreation?

(Hat tip to Anne Faulkner for the hot tip!)