October 18, 2019

Search Results for: no kids

Childfree Vacation: No Kids, No Fun?

The WNK quartet was recently indulging in a little mid-week, mid-summer bliss (think Lake Champlain, locally grown eats, frosty libations, nary the shadow of a kidlet) when a couple of us stumbled on a particularly obvious reason we have no kids. We are kids.

Sure we’re all in our fourth decades, but maturity seems to have passed us by. Or perhaps it’s just running late?

Why no kids? We are kids!

Childfree Vacation

English: Playa del Carmen is at the heart of t...

Playa del Carmen (Photo: Wikipedia)

This childfree truism was still echoing around my gray matter when I remembered a post I’d started a while back when a couple of childfree vacation and travel themed items caught my attention.

Although it may seem like every hotel and resort is touting their child friendliness, their amazing kids’ club or their deals for families… not every hotel is courting families this summer — or at all.

More and more hotels are putting a ban – yes, a ban — on kids. And while they probably won’t advertise it on their web site’s homepage, some hotels are simply saying: No kids allowed… (ABC News)

More and more hotels are banning kids. More and more hotels are offering childfree vacations. It’s a trend! And you thought it was just the mainstream media that discovered the childfree panacea?

Of course the childfree zeitgeist rubs tender folks against the grain, parents mostly, and they start gnashing their teeth.

Kids are awesome. We need to stop making excuses and start living… I am done apologizing. In fact, the only mistake here is that I ever told my children to be quiet in the first place. Pools are for shouting and jumping and cannonballing… Got it? … I’ve got a cannonball to perfect. (An Open Letter to People Without Children)

Easy, momma. Kids may be awesome, especially when they dazzle you with doody, but let’s remember that pools and jumping and cannonballing are as much fun for childfree adults as they are for kids. See, we CFers actually hang on to those childish pleasure principles a bit better than many parents. But that’s not the issue. At all!

And another.

Am I the only CF that loves kids? I am a kid. When I go on holiday I’d rather join the kids running around and screaming than lay on a beach. (Annika Desai on Why No Kids? Facebook page)

No, Annika, you’re not the only CF who loves kids. Many of us love kids. Many of us behave like big kids much of the time. But, and this is a big “but”, we’re also prone to adult moments. Sans kids.

Childfree Vacation Hot Spots

Anyway, it’s the usual volley. And not worth the digital ink it takes to bluster on. So let’s cut to the chase. Assuming you actually are interested in childfree vacation destinations rather than spoiling for a debate about why such should be in existence, etc. then we’ve got some fun leads for you.

Check out these eighteen hotel and resort “properties where the pool is sure to free of cannonballing kids. (ABC News)

And that’s just the tip of the iceberg! Check the article for more. And add your own childfree vacation favorites in the comments below or on the WNK Facebook page.

 

Friday Funny- Why No Kids? Black Thumb.

Hopefully this explains everything:

photo-35

Also this: (Who kills succulents??? Me.)

photo-34

In 2002, I had a cactus for almost a month! Eleven years later I decided to try again with little success.

In 1998, I got a puppy! In 1999, I gave it to my folks.Good news: fourteen years later they are not so eager for grandkids!

66734_10151236932382833_90671094_n

Phew! It’s good to be childfree! Also, it’s probably for the best that I don’t have any living things to look after.

 

Why No Kids? Dependent 20 Somethings!

Why no kids? Dependent 20 somethings! (Photo credit: Junior Achievement)

Why no kids? Dependent 20 somethings! (Photo credit: Junior Achievement)

In what could be an indicator of either a massive drop in teens’ financial prospects or the fact that teens today are getting more realistic about their financial futures, a new survey shows that the percentage of teenagers who expect to remain dependent on mom and/or dad until at least age 27 has doubled in just the last two years. (Consumerist)

Chris Morran’s post, “Number Of Teens Expecting To Depend On Parents Into Adulthood Has Doubled Since 2011“, breaks down the startling figures from a Junior Achievement study released on March 27.

Junior Achievement is the world’s largest organization dedicated to educating students about workforce readiness, entrepreneurship and financial literacy through experiential, hands-on programs. (Junior Achievement)

The statistics, based on a survey conducted with The Allstate Foundation does indicate that teenagers have become more optimistic since 2011 about their financial futures, but there’s a catch.

Junior Achievement USA® (JA) and The Allstate Foundation’s 2013 Teens and Personal Finance Poll shows that teenagers are more optimistic about their financial futures, with a 20 percent increase in teens believing they will be financially better off than their parents. However, part of their financial security comes from depending on parents until a later age. (Junior Achievement)

Read: teens eye a brighter financial future so long as they can maintain their allowance cord into their late twenties. Hang on, ‘rents, don’t snip the dinero umbilical cord yet! But when exactly is “yet”?

The survey found that 25 percent of teens think they will be age 25-27 before becoming financially independent from their parents, up from 12 percent in 2011. (Junior Achievement)

Umbilical Cord Bungee Jump (Credit: Rob Caswell)

Umbilical Cord Bungee Jump (Credit: Rob Caswell)

Heck, by then these coddled teens might even have children of their own. Having spent a few years living in France and Italy as a 20 something where this social trend was common, this sounds familiar. Jack E. Kosakowski, the President and CEO of Junior Achievement USA fleshes out the news a bit.

[I] infer that teens expect to live with their parents longer because 23 percent are unsure about their ability to budget and nearly 20 percent express similar feelings about the use of credit cards. Additionally, 34 percent of teens express a lack of confidence in their ability to invest their money. (Junior Achievement)

A 40 Something on Dependent 20 Somethings

I’m no finance wizard (Team WNK relies on BrianWNK for all matters economic) nor do I claim a stellar post adolescence financial trajectory. In short, I’m ill qualified to opine on the dramatic shift over the last two years highlighted in these sorts of survey results:

In 2011, 75% of teens said they would be supporting themselves at some point between 18 and 24. In just two years, that has decreased to 59%. (Consumerist)

Sounds like bad news to me, probably in keeping with US financial outlooks in general, but my macroeconomic barometer is probably not that relevant. Nor is it worth my weighing in on these findings (via Junior Achievement):

  • Of the 33 percent of teens who say they do not use a budget, 42 percent are “not interested” and more than a quarter (26 percent) think “budgets are for adults.”
  • More than half of teens (52 percent) think students are borrowing too much to pay for college, yet only nine percent report they are currently saving money for college. Nearly 30 percent have not talked with their parents about paying for higher education.

The times are a’changing. I suspect that our collective unconscious should be unsettled. But I’ll leave the really wise and useful conclusions to scholars and pundits.

So, if I’m not going to slash around in the statistics and social science mosh pit, then why-oh-why did I bring up all these distressing survey results? And why are they distressing?

Well, in a very selfish way, they are not too distressing. Not to me. Personally. Because… I have no children, dependent or otherwise. But if I did, if Junior were texting me another request for an advance on his allowance to cover his Verizon bill, then I might well be extremely distressed about the survey results. The odds seem to be increasingly good that Junior will be siphoning off funds for a looong time. And, frankly, I’m pretty sure I’d be concerned if my 20 something were still totally dependent into the dawn of his/her third decade.

Do you follow me?

Dependent 20 somethings strike me as another really good reason why not to have kids. Let’s call it reason #1972. Actually I might have already used that. There are a lot of reasons why I don’t have kids. Cash hungry 20 somethings had never before crossed my mind. Overall expense? Check. Tuition? Check. But the possibility of having a 20 something that fails to launch? Add it to the list…

Why no kids? Dependent 20 somethings!

Childfree Travel: No Kids Allowed

While we at WNK are pleased to see that the childfree travel discussion is happening more publicly and frequently, we are frustrated with how the questions are framed in many of these types of interviews that make the quest for quiet and serenity seem discriminatory. The participants in the following video actually question the legality of childfree travel destinations. While virtually every hotel is child or family friendly and there are plenty of kidcentric places: Disney World, Chuck E Cheese, etc., we wonder why it is such a problem to have a few adult only hotels, floors, pools or even sections of hotels?

Childfree Travel Questions

The following childfree travel questions come from the article at NECN.com:

Is it really right to ban children from hotels and other establishments?

o While it’s not precisely legal in the US (it is in other parts of the world-so during international travel in hotels and on certain sections of airlines, do check), some establishments advertise themselves as “adults only” (but not in that sense). Restaurants led the way on this, but now many hotels are joining in.

What is driving this change?

o The biggest source is changing demographics. We have many more DINKs than ever before (Double Income No Kids) who have the resources to want to travel in the lap of luxury.

o Additionally almost 20 percent of women today won’t have kids-a number that has basically doubled since the 1970s. This means that some may be less tolerant of children than before, and that this new/growing market segment wants tailored services.

Is not allowing children in hotels and other establishments really the best strategy?

o Probably not. How else will children ever learn to behave properly unless they are exposed to these situations?”

As you take your February break we’d like to hear your thoughts on childfree sections of planes, hotels and restaurants. Please share your favorite escapes for childfree serenity!

Related articles:

 

 

 

Why No Kids? Teenagers!

Teens sharing earphones, listening music outdo...

Teens sharing earphones, listening music outdoor. Summer time. This image is taken from SCA’s international report Hygiene Matters 2010. For more info, please visit www.hygienematters.com . (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As if the prospect of changing diapers around the clock and running after toddlers who learn about the world through their mouths isn’t frightening enough to a non-parent, watching teenagers and their parents struggling in this complex modern world has unequivocally convinced me that I have made the right choice not to have kids. I’ve been thinking about teenagers lately, probably because so many of my friends  and relatives have them now, and because I therefore chat with them often and frequently have the occasion to hear parents lamenting the difficulties of raising them.

Each time I see teenagers of a relative or friend these days, I wonder what they have done with the child who looked an awful lot like them. Even after a small lapse of time between visits, I ask their parents:

“When did she grow breasts?” or “When did he become a baratone and start growing a mustache?”

Inevitably they answer something like:

“Oh, I don’t know. Recently I guess.” Do they change in their sleep, I wonder and what happened to the giggly kids who couldn’t wait to sit in my lap and show me their latest toy or accomplishment? Why do I suddenly rarely merit a hello from them unless prompted by their parents?  How can their parents be so nonchalant about all the dramatic changes in their teenagers?

It’s Not Easy to be a Teen Today

My friend’s high-school aged daughter confessed to me recently that she estimates 70 percent of her classmates are dependent on some prescription drug. That figure was startling enough to me (she goes to a large public school with a very diverse population, in the suburbs of a major American city), but when she also added that the parents are often the ones demanding drugs for their children so that their teens can perform as well as their peers, that stunned me. Even when kids don’t have any identifiable reason for prescription drugs, parents are coercing doctors to prescribe attention enhancing drugs to their teens. Of course, kids are also choosing those drugs without their parents’ permission so that they can focus more on their studies and exams. Unfortunately, many don’t see the dangerous implications of doing so.

With drugs and binge drinking on the rise, never mind the staggering pressure teenagers have to excel at absolutely everything, how do they cope? I watch students  hoping to go to college, struggle to get exceptional grades, to be highly proficient at least one language, one instrument and one sport. Additionally, they are expected to participate in an endless assortment of life-changing volunteer work both here and abroad before their 17th birthdays. Add to their pressure, the rise of mass school shootings, and an increase in teen bullying and suicide,  predators on the internet, the pressure to have an inordinate amount of cyber “friends,”  to communicate with them ceaselessly, to experiment sexually, and the ability to learn anything they want with a few finger strokes, how, exactly do they navigate? No wonder they are turning to synthetic drugs to force them to focus.

My friend told me about a river cruise they took abroad this summer with their two teenage daughters. Their high hopes for a relaxing vacation were dashed when an interesting young man that their daughters had befriended, with whom they spent ten days socializing, inexplicably decided, after a fun evening, to hang himself in his boat bathroom. His brothers discovered him.  How do you explain that to your teenagers?

It’s Not Easy to be a Teen Parent Today

Recently, while dining with some teen moms, a debate arose about whether moms should monitor teen texting.

“Oh, you can’t look at his texts – he’ll never trust you if he finds out.”  was followed by:

“But I need to know what’s going on with him.  He doesn’t talk to me any more.”

I remain oddly silent. Who knows the right answer here. How could the I, the teen-less non-mom, possibly advise? Teenagers’ behavior is wildly unpredictable, unlike younger children who respond with somewhat more consistency. The helpful, cheeky advice I offer to new mothers (much to their surprise from a non-mom), is not relevant here.  Though I spend a great deal of time with kids and teenagers, I’m at a loss here.

Teens in G-string-bikinis.

Teens in G-string-bikinis. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

An acquaintance of mine recently confessed to me that he started experimenting with drugs as a teenager precisely because his parents were convinced that he was doing them (though he wasn’t). He was that angry about their distrust in him. Therein he embarked on a lifelong career with drugs. Are his parents to blame?

Raising teenagers is like a high stakes game of chess where, with one wrong move, your teenager may not speak to you for  years, or worse.

My friend is visiting from the city.  Before dinner the first night, her teenage daughter waits expectantly at the bottom of my stairs.  Her mother appears. They lock eyes. The teen daughter looks her mother up and down and shakes her head dismissingly.  My friend retreats to the bedroom to change her clothes.

“Really, no one cares what you wear here,” I offer, in defense of my friend, but she is still fixed on the stairs.  Her mother appears again while the daughter shrugs her shoulders, and shakes her head in half submission.  This was enough of an approval for my friend to descend the stairs.

“I’m hopelessly un-cool,” she laments to me over her first martini.  “I just want her to be happy, and she’s so easily embarrassed by me.”  My friend knows I’m suspect of the approval ritual with her daughter though I’ve said nothing of it.

“If you are un-cool, then I must be on the outcast island of un-cool,” I offer hoping to boost her spirits.

“Oh, no, she thinks you are cool.  You’re not a mother…you’re not her mother.”  This surprises me for a number of reasons, but most of all, because being a non-mom somehow gets me cool credits. Interesting.

Teenagers in Las Vegas

On a trip to Las Vegas this fall I witnessed a never-ending stream of intoxicated teenagers, wandering the streets, clubs, and bars in next to nothing for clothes, high heels the young women could barely walk in, most  sporting two foot beakers of alcoholic beverages (day and night). When did micro-minis come into fashion, I asked my friends, since I hadn’t witnessed them in my small rural town. Apparently, for a while now.  Also I wondered: did their parents know where their teenagers were, what they were wearing, doing, and drinking?

On a plane ride to Las Vegas this fall I had the interesting destiny of sitting next to a reality “star.”  My companions on the plane found it highly amusing that perhaps the only person on the plane who doesn’t watch television, let alone reality shows, had the good fortune of sitting next to an icon of the reality industry.  This young man, hopelessly intoxicated on some substance, though just recently bragging on a national talk show of his recent success at rehab, struggled to speak, eat or make his way to the restroom. As I politely fed him my shrimp and held his soda while he continuously nodded of onto my shoulder, the flight attendant smiled at me sympathetically.

The flight attendant was using the drink cart to fend off crowds of teenagers hoping to get his autograph or to catch a glimpse of him. I kept thinking, how did this man become a celebrity? How can teens negotiate this increasingly complex world with role models like him? How did going on drinking sprees on national television make a person worthy of star treatment by so many teenagers? In the end, when he could communicate (and boy did he), I must admit, he was quite appreciative of my help, and the story he told of how he became famous was compelling, but, really what ever happened to Greg Brady?

Bravo, Teen Parents!

For those of you out their who have teens, you have my utmost sympathy and admiration if you have turned out well adjusted interesting teens in this crazy world.  To those of you who don’t have children, get involved. Parents need your help, and teens need more positive role models, be they celebrities or childfree aunts, uncles, or adult friends. It’s a staggering world we live in, exponentially more complicated than the one we faced as teenagers. Teens tend to relate to, and  reveal more candid information to non-parents, and when they are not juggling studies, sports, music, language lessons, and volunteer work, when they are sober and not texting frantically and actually sit down with you, they can be quite compelling.

Why No Kids? Elf on the Shelf!

Elf on the Shelf T-Shirt (Credit: Sweeneyville)

Elf on the Shelf T-Shirt (Credit: Sweeneyville)

If you’re a parent in the US, you’re likely already acquainted with The Elf on the Shelf. If you’re childfree (or childless) you might have missed out on this latest holiday marketing bonanza with eerily Orwellian overtones. Consider the following…

The Elf on the Shelf… is the very special tool that helps Santa know who to put on the Naughty and Nice list… Santa sends his scout elves out to Elf Adoption Centers. Waiting for their families to bring them home, these patient elves hibernate until their family reads The Elf on the Shelf, gives their elf a very special name, and registers their adoption online. Once named, each scout elf will receive its Christmas magic… these scout elves are the eyes and ears of Santa Claus… the elf will always listen and relay messages back to Santa. Taking in all the day-to-day activities around the house… these scout elves take their job seriously… after the family goes to bed, the scout elf uses his magical Christmas powers to fly back to the North Pole. Once there, the elf will make his or her daily report to Santa… Before the family awakes each morning, their special scout elf will fly back… to hide in the freezer… the fireplace mantle or hang from the chandelier… (Elf on the Shelf > About Us)

Spooky, right?

On the one hand, I tip my hat to Carol Aebersold, Chanda Bell and Christa Pitts who’s charm, vision, hustle and business savvy is inspiring. Bravo for transforming the publishing industry’s risk averse, survival-oriented error into an entrepreneurial success story!

The the elf story? I find it a little creepy.

Okay, when Aebersold recounts the back story, a family tradition which helps her defeat an almost paralyzing psychological defeat, I’m rooting for her. When mother and daughters team up to revitalize the magic of Christmas, I’m rooting for all three of them. And when they decide to self-publish The Elf on the Shelf because traditional publishers couldn’t quite grok the market value of a catchy product tied to the sellingest holiday of the year? I’m cheering for Aebersold, Bell and Pitts.

Elf on the Shelf Ambushed (Credit: livinglocurto.com)

Elf on the Shelf Ambushed (Credit: livinglocurto.com)

But then there’s a snag. Buy a spy? Infuse Christmas anticipation with selfconsciousness and anxiety posed by a sneaky, lurking voyeur? There’s something threatening and decidedly un-jolly about a tattletale with super powers sneaking around young children’s homes. A miniature Big Brother. Frankly this “tradition” feels a bit un-Christmas-like to me. But then again, I’m not a parent. I don’t need to threaten and bribe my tribe to behave or else…

And then there’s the potential for distorting this latter day Christmas tradition. Consider Stephen King tackling this Elf on the Shelf theme. Or Alfred Hitchcock. All sorts of terrifying Peeping Tom elf scenarios come to mind. Even the whole adoption center prologue creeps me out. Not only do elves have super powers once they are adopted, but until then they hibernate?!?! Like bears, I suppose, or rattlesnakes or laptop computers. Weird.

It turns out I’m not alone.

I hate the Elf on the Shelf. I hate his evil, dead-eyed sidelong smile. I hate that he invades innocent children’s homes without compunction. I even hate his full name. “The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition.” I hate how it sounds like it’s a threat, like, “I’m not just the Elf: I’m the Elf who will return every goddamn Christmas of your life…” I hate how he seems to become more powerful with each passing year. (Salon.com)

That’s Mary Elizabeth Williams (@embeedub), the author of Gimme Shelter and dauntless chronicler of her cancer crusade. Her article, “Santa’s evil Orwellian spy” nimbly sums up the equation.

Today, the Elf is a best-selling, full-blown industry. He floated triumphantly this year at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, and he’s been all up in our faces ever since. And why not? He’s eminently marketable. Like American Girl dolls, or Cabbage Patch Kids in days of yore, part of the Elf’s allure is his customizable nature. There are girl elves and boy elves, blue-eyed elves and dark-skinned elves, all waiting to be “adopted.” Right, like I’m going to adopt a narc. (Salon.com)

Elf on the Shelf: The gift of giving... (Credit: articlesofabsurdity.com)

Elf on the Shelf: The gift of giving… (Credit: articlesofabsurdity.com)

Thank you, Ms. Williams. Christmas is supposed to be innocent and slightly goofy. Giggles and jelly bellies and flying reindeer. Christmas is about hope and forgiving and generosity and loving. Christmas is about family and intimacy. Not spying and tattling. Do we really need to infiltrate the last bastion of whimsical childhood naivety with this malicious, eavesdropping drone? Again, I defer to Ms. Williams:

Part of why I dislike the Elf is the same reason I dislike Facebook’s privacy settings — he’s an Orwellian nightmare. Let’s teach our children that privacy is meaningless! I may have grown up with a Santa who sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake, but my Santa was never lurking around in my house, keeping tabs on me for weeks at a time. I don’t know, I just find the whole concept of an advent-long period of intense scrutiny by some judgmental little voyeur in a pointy hat creepy. (Salon.com)

If you’ve concluded that Williams and I are cynical, anti-Christmas Grinches (when it comes to Elf on the Shelf, though little else,) we’re in good company:

If you are unaware of the tradition of Elf on the Shelf, it is where parents get a creepy looking little elf doll and put him all over their house to act as their children’s parole officer. The Elf then flies to the North Pole each night to report to the big guy himself on whether the kids’ behavior is good enough to land them on the “nice” list. It is a genius idea for behavior modification through gratuitous lying. (Sweeneyville)

The elf creeps me out. I said it. I said what you might have been thinking. His smug grin and vintage eyes creep me out. He’s playing tricks and sneaking around our house. CREEPY. (whitehouseblackshutters.com)

Holy crap, y’all. It was working! I had accidentally implemented a moralistic police state in my own home… That got me thinking about the other 11 months of the year…. After much consideration I’ve decided to introduce another Big Brother-type helper to our family. (Rants from Mommyland)

Would it shock you to discover that our home is not and will not ever be a haven for this little Santa snitch? … It made me uncomfortable to wield the Santa weapon over my children’s head…. It makes already anxious children even more paranoid around this time of year… And this physical representation is placed in their home! It is there to scare them into submission every day from Thanksgiving until Christmas time. It invades the child’s one safe place where nothing will harm them, the place where they are encouraged (rightly so) by their parents to feel protected from all the ‘bad’ and ‘evil’ things out in the world, the place where they are loved unconditionally for who they are and not by what they can or cannot do nor for what they do or do not do. How can this sanctuary remain so when there is something sitting there on the shelf or mantel staring at them and judging each behavior every minute of each day from November 25th until December 25th? (Lunar Wisdom)

Enough. You get the point. Why no kids? Elf on the Shelf!

Why No Kids? Golden Eagles!

Sometimes my clever riffs on absolutely-positively-definitively why no kids demand detailed explanation. Diagrams. Graphs. Sometimes even interviews and strategically constructed arguments are necessary to spell out the childfree merits of the decision that my bride and I made and continue to make. But today, my why no kids explanation demands neither diagrams or graphs. Not even interviews.

Why No Kids? Watch the Video!

English: Golden eagle

Why no kids? Golden eagles! (Wikipedia)

I’ll mash up a pair of brief quotations to spell out the video action for those who need a little hand holding:

A video from Montreal shows a giant Golden Eagle swooping down and snatching a small child… [at] Mount Royal in Montreal. The cameraman has the video tracking a giant Golden Eagle as it glides through the air, but then the bird marks a sharp turn and descends downward toward a child sitting on the ground… the Golden Eagle snatches the child, who appears to be two or three years old, eliciting a curse from the cameraman who goes running to help. (The Inquisitr)

Fortunately, the eagle was not able to pull off the greatest aviary caper in world history, probably because small humans weigh many more pounds than big rodents. (Gawker)

Why No Kids? Golden Eagles!

The equation is simple. And definitive. Why no kids? Golden eagles!

Why No Kids? Urinal Deodorizers!

A little less than a week ago I was in Santa Fe, New Mexico on a mini-vacation. My bride and I flew out on Saturday night and came back Wednesday.

A whirlwind of southwest goodness. We visited good friends. We played. We ate. We drank. We hiked. We biked. We art-ed and shopped and strolled…

It was good.

Mostly. One event in particular was not good. Not good at all!

Southwestern Cuisine and Urinal Deodorizers

We were staying with dear friends with dear twin boys. And one night we went out to dinner at Maria’s, an old time Santa Fe family dining favorite. The twins father was out of town on a business trip, so I got to play surrogate daddy when it came time for a mid-meal bathroom break. One forty year old man and two four year old boys. No problem. We traipsed through the restaurant hand-in-hand. All smooth so far. As we approached the bathroom door the younger of the two started to pull away, but my grip tightened and he looked up at me, resigned. Inside both boys affirmed in unison that they wanted to use the urinal.

Did I mention that they were four years old? This was an adult height urinal, but the first twin managed to liberate his junk from his pants and aimed at the urinal. I slid into the other urinal and took care of my own business. When I wrapped up and leaned over to check on the other twin. He had the urinal deodorizer in his hands! That’s right, he was holding the pink hockey puck encased in a white mesh plastic target and inspecting it. Sniffing it actually.

I barked his name with a mix of authority and panic. His head snapped up to look at me. He was wearing an ear to ear grin. His pants and underwear were around his ankles. The urinal was full from both twins dewatering and heaven only knows how many other diners’ contributions since last flush. He dropped the target back into the urinal and reached toward me. I leaped backward, knocking into an older gentleman who’d just entered the bathroom.

“Glad mine are all grown up,” he laughed, handing the other twin some paper towel to dry his hands. The boy had had managed to climb up onto the counter to wash his hands and was straddling the sink, shaking his hands dry.

“Thanks,” I said, helping the hand washer down to the floor. “Pull up your pants,” I told the deodorizer holder.

“I can’t,” he whined, showing me his dripping hands and walking toward me.

“Don’t touch me!” I carefully grasped his hips from behind and lifted him up onto the counter. He soaped up and splashed around until I felt reasonably confident that he wouldn’t get ill before dessert. But I wasn’t confident enough to hold his hand as we walked back to the table, and he shot off like a wind up toy, zipping through the restaurant and nearly sweeping the feet out from under a waitress balancing two sizzling skillets loaded with fajitas. He dove under the table just before I made it into the dining room where we were seated. My bride and the the twins’ mother were enjoying their meals. Not the time for a bathroom update…

Why no kids? Urinal deodorizers!

Dr. Seuss: “Celebrity No Kids” Funny Follow Up

Cover of "Green Eggs and Ham (I Can Read ...

Cover via Amazon

WNK readers were amazed to learn that the guy who wrote the most notable kid’s books of all time, Dr. Seuss, never had kids of his own.

We recently stumbled upon a funny blog post from our friends at “I Kid You Not” waxing in Seussian rhyme about the argument to be or not to be child free:

(From www.choosingkidfree.wordpress.com)

“Except in this version, Sam-I-Am is a chick named Mindy Sue who believes everyone should procreate and green eggs and ham are the little buggers themselves.

I’m Mindy Sue.

That Mindy Sue.
That Mindy Sue.
I do not like that Mindy Sue.

Don’t you want a kid or two?

I do not want one, Mindy Sue.
I do not want a kid or two.

Do you want one in a year?

I do not want one in a year.
I’d rather shove glass up my rear.
I’m happy being childfree.
Now take a hike and let me be.

But don’t you like kids when you fly
Even though they scream and cry?

I do not like them on a plane.
I do not like them on a train.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.

Don’t you like them where you eat?
Don’t you think they’re cute and sweet?

Not where I eat.
Not at the beach.
Not at the park.
Not on an ark.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them anywhere.

Do you like them at the store?
I’m sure you would if they were yours.

I do not like them at the store.
I don’t want kids.
But wait! There’s more:
I do not like them where I eat.
I do not like them at the beach.
I do not like them on a plane.
I do not like them on a train.
I do not like them here or there.
I do not like them ANYWHERE.

But every little girl and boy
Is a precious gift, a joy!

Holy balls, give me a break
I just don’t think kids are so great.
I like to fly and eat in peace.
Now please go take a flying leap.

  • http://whynokids.com/uncategorized/dr-suess-didnt-have-kids/
  • http://americanvision.org/975/dr-seuss-had-no-children-of-his-own/

No Kids for Fiona Apple

Former teen prodigy singer-songwriter Fiona Apple doesn’t want kids, still she carries around a curious tome: Raising Happiness,

10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. Perhaps it’s to deal with the parentalization

Tidal (album)

Tidal (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

she experienced in her own childhood.

“When it comes to parenting, Fiona confesses that, “No, I’ve never wanted kids. But I do read about parenting a lot. For some reason it’s very interesting to me – I think because I’m just big on self-parenting. But I read this thing in a nautical book about how when ropes get frayed you’d use the whipping cords to fix the ends. The whole thing of the whipping cords is that, if I did have kids, I could either teach them how to stay out of trouble — or how to get out of trouble, which I think is more important. Because no matter how well prepared you are in life, you’re gonna fall down a hole, and if you can fix the frayed ends of things, then you’re better off.”

Apple’s new album, “The Idler Wheel…” is another critical masterpiece. Maybe she is the mother of a beautiful baby after all.

Hey WNKers, do you occasionally peruse parenting books?