October 31, 2014

Try Childfreedom (Unless It’s Too Late!)

Adjusting to Childfreedom

Adjusting to Childfreedom (Credit: BABY OFF BOARD)

If you’re experiencing any of the following symptoms, then you may be a candidate for childfreedom.

  1. Feeling overwhelmed?
  2. Feeling stressed and burdened?
  3. Is it because everyone you know is having kids?
  4. Are you beginning to feel pressure from others to have children of your own?
  5. Do you find you are not yet ready to obliterate any chance you have left to enjoy life to its fullest? (via NEW! Try, “NOT HAVING KIDS”)

If these symptoms sound familiar, then you may want to “try not having kids…” It’s called Childfreedom!

Childfreedom Infomercial

Check out this “helpful” video if you would like to self-diagnose (and self-medicate…)

A hilarious parody of prescription drug commercials gives people a groundbreaking alternative to having children: not having children. Brought to you by writer Jason Messina, this video addresses marital anxiety about childbearing by listing the potentially lethal side effects of bringing a little one into the world. (Huff Post)

Amusing video. Thanks, Jason Messina (of Sure Thing Chief!) And thanks, Huff Post, for bringing it to our attention. And lest this childfreedom pharma spoof doesn’t charm your chuckle boom, there’s a final hurrah:

While the video had us laughing, its creator also issued a more serious warning at the end: “Please, tell your doctor if you already have kids before you try Not Having Kids. As this may result in being a neglectful asshole.” (Huff Post)

Serious warning indeed. Sorry, ‘rents, but once you’ve signed your future away, there’s no turning back. Unless you want to be a neglectful @$$hole! So, suck it up, and enjoy living the childfreedom dream vicariously through your CF friends. We’ll do our best to share the bliss…

Childfreedom: I Hate Being a Mom

67 of 365 ~ Mum

Childfreedom: I hate being a mom (Credit: tanya_little)

Just to be clear, I don’t hate being a mom. In fact, I’m not a mom at all.

So what’s with the title, “Childfreedom: I Have Being a Mom”? Good question. I’ll try to explain.

Some people Google their name. Others scour Twitter for self referential tweets. Google gargle, chirp-chirp…

While it may seem just about as peculiar, Team WNK Googles (and Twitter searches) for childfree topics. For fun. In our spare time. While waiting in line at the grocery story. Or riding the elevator and trying not to stare at the gargantuan pregnant lady huffing and puffing beside us.

Yes, it’s a little obsessive, but we’re fascinated. The more we think and read and talk and blog about childfreedom, the more curious we become. And it turns out we’re not alone. The media and the social web are every day more obsessed with the parenting vs. childfreedom debate(s). It’s become a “thing”!

Google Noodling Childfreedom

So the other day I was searching Google on a whim, “noodling” as some say. My search term? Childfreedom.

There’s something undeniably slogan-y about the slang term “childfreedom”, but I love it.

I picture it emblazoned across the bikin’ed buttocks of a fetching middle aged lady striding down an exotic beach. Perhaps my bride? Or embroidered into an elegant bodice. Definitely my bride. (I wonder if I can dig one of those up for Christmas…)

Linguists recoil at words like childfreedom, a derivative of a derivative. Diluted. Meaningless. Except that it’s not. Childfreedom is the conjunction of childfree (a slang conjunction in its own right) and freedom. My eyes pour over the newest results for “childfreedom” and I follow a few links, read, take notes, click back to Google.

At the bottom of the page I freeze.

I Hate Being a Mom

What? At the bottom of Google search result pages — and just above where you can click to go to the next page of search results — Google provides a list of related searches. In this case it reads, “Searches related to childfreedom” and it lists the following:

Most of these search queries make sense. I expected them. But the first one, the top recommendation from the smart, smart, smart robots over at Google was not what I expected. And yet here it is:

Google searches related to Childfreedom

Google searches related to Childfreedom

Of course, I was simultaneously appalled and fascinated. Google, in it’s infinite wisdom — deduced from millions of searches all around the globe all day, every day — associated “I hate being a mom” as the most likely related search term for somebody interested in the idea of childfreedom. Even before the rather obvious “Childfree by choice”!

I can’t help but imagine the desperate keystrokes of a frantic mother.

Bye-bye, bikini.

Bye-bye, bodice.

Needless to say, I clicked and discovered that Google indexes about 70,200,000 web pages for the search term “I hate being a mom”. Yes, over 70 million!

Why no kids? Enough said.