July 31, 2026

Childfree? Really? Common Questions and Comments (Part 3)

Childfree? Really?

Common questions and comments (Part 3)

“When are you having kids?”, they usually ask. Not “if”. And here are more of the most common responses to my answer:

6) “Who’s going to take care of you when you’re old?”

I’d like to say “me”. I’m responsible for myself. It’s my obligation to invest in my brain and my body and strive for healthy and happy. If or when I can’t, I should have saved enough money or given enough love to ask for and receive help.

Instead I say we’re open to adopting adults from the next generation of non-breeders, or blurt something else unfunny, dishonest and/or swarthy, while wondering:

How can I get an unborn heir to agree that, in exchange for me handling fatherly responsibilities, they will one day owe the same commitment to me?

How could I dare make my health another’s responsibility unless I managed my own body, diet, alcohol and nicotine consumption perfectly?

It’s already too late for that, so rather than saddling someone else with the burden of the bongwater I drank in my twenties, I hope that the economics of living child-free allow enough room for a giant TV and a smiley, shapely nurse with soft hands and a deep appreciation of the History Channel and eighties music.

Or maybe we’ll just invest in Long-term care insurance.

http://personalinsure.about.com/od/longtermcare/a/ltcguide.htm

7) “Go to doctor what’s his name. He’ll get you pregnant!”

This happens more often than you might think. People are understandably presumptuous, and sincerely charitable when your spouse is a gifted teacher and children’s book author. (Touchtheart.com)

So when we lived in New York, parents of her students were eager to offer recommendations and referrals, assuming motherhood was an obvious goal for someone so nurturing and bossy.

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Childfree? Really? Common questions and comments (Part 2)

“When are you having kids?”, they usually ask. Not “if”. And here are a few more of the most common responses to my answer:

4) “Your kids would be so cute though…”

Oh, if the gene pool was really only skin deep…

On the outside, maybe, our offspring could look fine; but the inside could be very messy. So take a good look at the size of my cranium compared to my wife’s petite body, and hold your endorsements until we all have genetic codes tattooed on our sleeves.

Somewhere on my bicep you’ll then find addiction, male pattern baldness, acne, a degenerative eye disease, and the undiscovered gene for mouth breathing. Sure, my wife’s line brings artistic ability and great teeth, to have great teeth like her you can can also consult Floral Park dentist to repair crooked teeth and all dental related problems or you can also see the website to sort out any kind of dental related issues.well, but my wife has angry ovaries and OCD  . Somewhere in her tattooed code there must be mysterious genes that cause older members of her family to mispronounce the most common names and brands and retell the same damn stories every week.

If the gene pool was really only skin deep…

If we were crazy or careless or lucky enough to bring a child into the world healthy, it would likely be a clumsy, athletic, tone deaf, heroin addict with back hair and enough artistic ability to paint a self portrait, but a head too big to fit on the canvass.

5) “The world needs more intelligent people to have babies!”

Really? It’s a reproductive arms race? Is this about Politics? Ideology? You’re going to breed yourselves to victory? Cars run on IQ points? With every additional baby the ice caps are unmelting?

Can you provide some evidence that intelligent = happy? Have you never met smart, peaceful people with stupid, violent children?

So how does the race end?

Does Thomas Malthus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Robert_Malthus) earn a very posthumous Nobel Prize? For economics or peace? Who wins if a lot of smart people live in bankrupt countries run by fertile descendants of Osama Bin Laden and Mitt Romney… ?

Can’t we just distribute birth control and sign the non-procreation treaty already?!

Childfree? Really?: Common questions and comments (Part 1)

When are you having kids?”, they usually ask. Not “if”. And here are the most common responses to my answer:

1) “But you guys would be great parents!”

Maybe. Not likely. But maybe. Problem is, I’m not sure I know what being a great parent means. I am fairly certain though, that WANTING to be a parent is at the top of the list of great parent things. Please enlighten me if you disagree?

2) “Does Amy (my wife) know/agree?”

My absolute favorite!

Of course.

It came up very early. Not our first date, but maybe the second. We were 27. And the answer to the standard follow-up question is that we arrived in our relationship having made the choice not to have children separately.

Still, the initial conversations were choreographed carefully. We admitted our childfree wishes apologetically, delicately dancing around the word “never”. We quizzed each other periodically; and reassurances came frequently and emphatically, but not absolutely.

For years, we packed an adoption parachute, allowed each other wiggle room, effectively saying “I love you too much to lose you. I’ll do anything else to stay with you, so could, I guess… if you change your mind… oh shit… consider adopting?”

Maybe I could do it, I thought, if that’s what it takes to keep her. And she was thinking the same thing. She wanted to know what would happen if I changed my mind, because “men can always decide to have babies”. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page regarding unwanted pregnancies.

We weren’t. We aren’t. It was the closest we ever came to breaking up, and the discussion forced us to address our childfree choices with more honesty and certainty. It was scary. We argued. Doubted. Couldn’t sleep. Then we both said “never”. Finally. Spared no room for error, we employed belt and suspenders birth control strategies.

We both came to the same conclusion before we started dating and discussed our choices early; but at times we tiptoed along the path to secure, childfree and happy.

We made our decision clear and early, but, at times, tiptoed along the path to childfree, secure and happy

3) A silent head to toe assessment in an attempt, I assume, to determine my health, sanity and sexuality.

 

I know. There’s too much product in my hair. My glasses are suspiciously fancy and my wife is far too pretty for me.

Because we don’t have kids, I have time to read and nap and surf and stay fit. But I’m hetero. And aside from the fact that I habitually heat my testicles with the warm and deadly rays of my pocket-borne cell phone, I am healthy. Sanity is another matter entirely.