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Not a Loser, Baby

March 25, 2011 by 7 Comments

Kate Walsh More cover girl

The Hollywood headline reads “Kate Walsh (television star of Gray’s Anatomy and Private Practice) Embarrassed For Not Having Kids”.

This newsflash did its job and caught my childfree eye. I had to read more. Maybe not coincidentally, the article is in MORE magazine, a magazine “that celebrates women over 40”. However, it seems that in this case, not having kids by 40 means this star is more likely falling or failing.

In the article Kate Walsh says, “I feel like a loser. I would definitely love to be a parent. But I definitely don’t think I want to do it on my own. Things are just going to go the way they go… I thought I’d be married and have three or four kids. I always knew I wanted to be an actress, but I think I always wanted a quote-unquote normal life because I had a very untraditional upbringing.”

So normal is two kids and a dog right? Not for the nearly 50% of American women who are not moms. (source savvyauntie.com)

Maybe Kate should talk to Oscar winner Dame Helen Mirren, who swore off childbirth after seeing a film on the subject as a kid, “I swear it traumatised me to this day. I haven’t had children and now I can’t look at anything to do with childbirth. It absolutely disgusts me.”

Childfree and carefree Cameron Diaz

Or she could listen to outspoken environmentalist Cameron Diaz, who recently defended women who don’t want children in Cosmo by saying, “I think women are afraid to say that they don’t want children because they’re going to get shunned. But I think that’s changing too now. I have more girlfriends who don’t have kids than those that do. And honestly? We don’t need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet.” Diaz adds she might still have kids of her own.

Every celebrity rag is filled with photos of pregnant or potentially knocked up stars. We are obsessed with bump watch and all the joys of charting famous bellies and how quickly they grow then disappear.

Maybe Kate Walsh’s PR agent thinks she is a loser for not cashing in on the craze and publicity nexus of the moment. (Although, her article has caused quite a stir of its own.) It seems more and more actresses are joining the Hollywood Baby Boom. Currently pregnant stars include: Kate Hudson, Jessica Alba, Natalie Portman, Selma Blair, Maya Rudolph, Alyssa Milano, Alicia Silverstone, and three of the five Spice Girls.

Suri cruisin’ with her $1,700 purse

The paparazzi have gone after the celebrity spawn as well. Photos of the little fashionistas are making cover stories. We’ve always wanted all the goodies and clothing from League of Legends Merchandise of the rich and famous, and now we want our kids to wear what their kids are wearing too. Does that include the $1,700 Dolce and Gabbana purse of Miss Suri Cruise, age 4? For Ms. Walsh, her ability to protect a child from the paps and lack of privacy might be influencing her decision.

With the Hollywood baby boom exploding, we could use some other childfree personalities to speak up and share that their lives without children are still worth living, and that having less is sometimes more.

Some Notable Childfree Movie Stars

George Clooney

Cameron Diaz

Hugh Grant

Renee Zellweger

Katharine Hepburn

Oprah Winfrey

Hilary Swank

Charlize Theron

Angelica Houston

Steve Martin

Marisa Tomei

Ellen DeGeneres

Portia DeGeneres

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childfreedom, Choice, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Childfree? Really?: Common questions and comments (Part 1)

March 24, 2011 by 4 Comments

“When are you having kids?”, they usually ask. Not “if”. And here are the most common responses to my answer:

1) “But you guys would be great parents!”

Maybe. Not likely. But maybe. Problem is, I’m not sure I know what being a great parent means. I am fairly certain though, that WANTING to be a parent is at the top of the list of great parent things. Please enlighten me if you disagree?

2) “Does Amy (my wife) know/agree?”

My absolute favorite!

Of course.

It came up very early. Not our first date, but maybe the second. We were 27. And the answer to the standard follow-up question is that we arrived in our relationship having made the choice not to have children separately.

Still, the initial conversations were choreographed carefully. We admitted our childfree wishes apologetically, delicately dancing around the word “never”. We quizzed each other periodically; and reassurances came frequently and emphatically, but not absolutely.

For years, we packed an adoption parachute, allowed each other wiggle room, effectively saying “I love you too much to lose you. I’ll do anything else to stay with you, so could, I guess… if you change your mind… oh shit… consider adopting?”

Maybe I could do it, I thought, if that’s what it takes to keep her. And she was thinking the same thing. She wanted to know what would happen if I changed my mind, because “men can always decide to have babies”. I wanted to make sure we were on the same page regarding unwanted pregnancies.

We weren’t. We aren’t. It was the closest we ever came to breaking up, and the discussion forced us to address our childfree choices with more honesty and certainty. It was scary. We argued. Doubted. Couldn’t sleep. Then we both said “never”. Finally. Spared no room for error, we employed belt and suspenders birth control strategies.

We both came to the same conclusion before we started dating and discussed our choices early; but at times we tiptoed along the path to secure, childfree and happy.

We made our decision clear and early, but, at times, tiptoed along the path to childfree, secure and happy

3) A silent head to toe assessment in an attempt, I assume, to determine my health, sanity and sexuality.

 

I know. There’s too much product in my hair. My glasses are suspiciously fancy and my wife is far too pretty for me.

Because we don’t have kids, I have time to read and nap and surf and stay fit. But I’m hetero. And aside from the fact that I habitually heat my testicles with the warm and deadly rays of my pocket-borne cell phone, I am healthy. Sanity is another matter entirely.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childfreedom, Choice, Comedy, Happy Without Kids, Marriage

Dr. Suess Didn’t Have Kids

March 22, 2011 by 4 Comments

“You make ’em. I’ll amuse ’em.” – Dr. Seuss

Margaret Wise Brown, Maurice Sendack, Beatrix Potter, Louisa May Alcott and Dr. Suess didn’t have kids. And I’m adding myself to this esteemed list of childfree children’s book authors.

How is it possible that such clever icons of the children’s literary world had the ability to connect to kids across generations without having children of their own? How could they understand kids without raising them? Very simple, they were once kids, too. Perhaps because these childless adults never abandoned a child’s point of view, they held close to childhood memories and fantasies and magically preserved the imaginary realm of talking animals and invented words.  Would these authors have the same stories to tell if their priorities were feeding young mouths instead of young minds? Would late nights and diaper duty have sapped their creative energy and capacity to envision Sneeches, Wild Things and truffula trees?

Recently, I asked a parent friend of mine if she would have a pediatrician who didn’t have kids, or an ob/gyn who didn’t have kids, or even a teacher who didn’t have kids. Did it make a difference? She said it did in the case of the pediatrician, which caught me a bit until I realized that I required a doctor with an innie instead of an outie when it came to gynecological matters.

Jo Frost, TV’s SuperNanny, has reared plenty of kids but still isn’t a parent herself. So did this sharpen her skills or limit her adeptness? The SuperNanny has millions of television viewers each week and millions more buying her books on parenting and childrearing techniques.

Raffi, the superstar musical maestro of the preschool set, has sold over 8 million albums. He too is childfree. In these cases their expertise and success has nothing to do with being a progenitor.

Is it a coincidence that my favorite teachers were not parents? What was it that made them so attractive to me? Was it their dedication to children even if they didn’t have little ones at home? Was I a competent teacher even if I didn’t have offspring? Does having children really make a difference when you teach, entertain or care for children? Or is it possible that, just maybe, once you become a parent you stop living like a child?


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Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Childfreedom, Family, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Dog Mom and Uber Aunt Will Travel

March 21, 2011 by 3 Comments

Me with my dog as a puppy

If I had my own children, I’d like to think that I would be a unique parent, that I wouldn’t be exhausted, that I would make the kids fit into my lifestyle, instead of the reverse.

But, really, would I? Would I have the energy? Could I have a kid and not increase my carbon footprint exponentially? Could I really ban all plastic toys and never buy a mini van, gigantic SUV or synthetic no-stain fabrics for my home and wardrobe?  Could I really not pin my own personal needs and dreams on them?  Many parents achieve these feats, but it’s hard to say where I’d fall in the spectrum.

My Dog Now

Moreover, I’m a worrier and a neurotic type. I was a fanatic when my most recent Labrador Retriever was a puppy. I checked on him three times a night. I carried him in a baby sling. While the mothers brought their pack and play units for their kids, I brought one for my puppy so that he would stay out of trouble.  I installed baby gates, plug protectors and the like. Even when I had to travel, I made sure to find the best dog boarding service in Toronto, ensuring my pup was in safe hands and getting the care he needed. Overnight pet boarding ensures your furry friends feel safe and loved.

Crazy woman, they must have thought. Get a baby already. It’s only a dog!

He’s a big boy now and not much maintenance except an Excellent Dog Day Training, but I still worry enough about his canine being, that I have trouble imagining responsibility for a human being.

Every stair, every car, every body of water would pose a serious hazard, and my efforts to protect my young child from every living obstacle would drive me — and everyone around me — simply nuts. Similarly, when it comes to dog training, check here for tips and tricks to overcome every hurdle and build a strong bond with our furry companions.

No, let me be an eccentric dog mom and über aunt instead. I love the children that my friends and family members have been generous enough to share with me.  For now, I can enjoy the company of all the kids in my life without feeling responsible for how they turn out. I can be myself and allow them to do the same. I can chase adult pursuits without the guilt that a dependent being needs my constant attention. K9 Answers Dog Training about sleeping with your dog can be checked out.

Have No Kids Will Travel

“What do you mean you’re going to China?” a parent friend asked me last year. “Didn’t you just come back from India?”

Yup. Have no kids, will travel! Get it?

To all those parents out there, I admire you immensely, especially those of you who have figured out how to have your own identity and how to pursue dreams outside of your children.

Just know that I’m here to play with your kids if you need a break, and I’ll give them the straight talk on sex and drugs if you’d rather not.

In the meantime, though, I have some wind to sail and a plane to catch.

Susan and virtualDavis boarding a bush plane in Africa

A Plane to Catch

Have no kids, have fun. Have no kids, have cool adventures, great passion and so on. You get the idea. 

You can even go on a spontaneous road trip. However, you still need to be careful when driving alone to avoid accidents. If you get involved in a vehicular accident during a road trip, be sure to protect your rights by hiring an auto accident lawyer.

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Family, Hot Topics Tagged With: , , , ,

Forging My Own Kid-less Path

March 18, 2011 by 2 Comments

Me with my first dog and only sister

I’ve never been a follower, so it’s not surprising to most who know me that I’m willing to swim against the childbearing current. Or perhaps having children is more like a fashion that never goes out of fashion?

When I was young, my teachers would find me working on a project not related to our assignment, and most of them would surrender to the fact that I flourished more when I did my own thing.

Which one more irreverent?

In my age five ballet photos I’m the tall skinny girl doing the opposite moves from the rest of the class.   When the instructor suggested to my mom that perhaps another kind of class would be more appropriate for my free spirit moves, my mom assured me not to worry about being kicked out and reminded me that there’s nothing wrong with dancing to my own music.

I’ve been dancing ever since, and though my moves are no more graceful than age five I still can’t sit still when music plays.  If you don’t look a little like a fool when you dance, how much fun could you really be having?

In college, my creative writing teacher and advisor would give an assignment and then usually qualify by saying to me: “Susan, you do what you want. It’ll turn out better that way.” He knew that artificial parameters would always limit my creativity.

In the 70’s everyone in my school decided to wear Topsider shoes. I pleaded with my mother to get a pair.

“But Evvv-er-yone has them mom.  Everyone but me.”

“Since when are you such a follower,” she said. “They don’t support your high arches, and for the last time, no.”

Right, I thought, don’t be such a follower. That’s not like you.

I’m proud of myself always dancing and for not blindly following most of my friends into motherdom.

which mom? which non-mom?

For many it’s the right choice.  For me it was not, and thank goodness I took the time to critically analyze my needs and capabilities to make an informed choice.

A look at some of my childhood photos reveals the rebel in me.  Can you tell which one of these girls became a super-mom and which one remained irreverent and childless?

What did your childhood photos reveal about your breeding future?  Do share!

My sister, the super mom

My sister, the super mom

Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Family, Motherhood, Why No Kids? Tagged With: , , , , ,

No Kids Alliance

March 15, 2011 by 5 Comments

Today’s guest post is from Kimberly Rielly , director of communications for Lake Placid CVB / Regional Office of Sustainable Tourism.

Singletracking Frontier Town, North Hudson, New York

Singletracking Frontier Town, North Hudson, New York

I personally made the choice to live kid-free before I was old enough to know from whence they came. I said it out loud at the ripe old age of 3. I was sure that if I had a child, it would be just like me – and who needs another sarcastic drain on my attention and wallet who has no respect for their elders?

I’ve never wavered from this decision, and when I met the guy who would be my husband, it was a mandate that he agree wholeheartedly; which we did, and do, about almost everything.

We have fielded reproductive questions from the audience ever since our first date.  I know that my parents genuinely wished to have grandchildren, but I suspect that our friends, who found themselves chasing two or three toddlers around, just wanted us to share in their misery.

During the first ten years of our relationship, we diagnosed ourselves as being selfish. Why no kids? We would save money, and be free to live the lifestyle to which we would become accustomed. Take off for the week and go rock climbing? Sure. No babysitter required.  Tear the house apart for reconstruction while living in it? No problem. We weren’t endangering the health of anyone but ourselves.

We chose to live in the Adirondacks, where we grew up, in order to enjoy the healthy quality of life here. But living in the Adirondacks requires an economic balancing act. Though we are DINKs, we also live up to the level of our double income without much to spare. Adding kids to the equation is beyond my math abilities.

And then there’s the worry factor. Having had the pleasure of being owned by a dog for over 15 years, and living with the associated anxiety about his safety, I can only assume that a kid would increase that level of anxiety by a sizable multiplier. More math.

As I understand from reading the news, our contribution is unnecessary for the survival of the species; there are plenty of other people keeping the planet’s population growing.  And good for them – we actually LIKE kids.  We especially like to be the doting, fun, favorite aunt and uncle.

Luckily, we’re not alone. We’re oddly surrounded by (or maybe attracted to?) a number of workaholic friends who have made the same “no kids” decision.

Perhaps as a result of the this no kids alliance, but more likely a result of maturity, I no longer think that we made a selfish decision. Rather, we have the freedom (though not necessarily the money) to make a greater contribution to society. Instead of driving kids to piano lessons and coaching basketball, we are able to donate our time and perceived skill sets to organizations and individuals that enhance our lives and our communities.

And at this point, we’ve successfully dodged family and friends who repeatedly insisted we’d change our minds – 18 years of dodging. Still no kids. Now that I’m 40-something, I think they FINALLY believe us.

Kim Reilly (@krielly) is an Adirondack adventurer, destination communicator, friend of all dogs and most people. Find out more at her Lake Placid tourism blog or her personal blog.

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Filed Under: Childfree by Choice, Guest Post Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , ,
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